I’m now 2 weeks postpartum and things are healing up and shrinking back down to size. I didn’t have to take the pain meds my doctor prescribed, though that could be due to a high pain-tolerance. I also wonder if the fact I have a high pain tolerance can be attributed to the Celiac disease. Were my nerve endings fried from over-use? It’s a valid question.

I’m allowed to start driving again but not much exercise yet. I’ve done a little bit of stretching here and there and am thinking about incorporating some light yoga because I feel tight in the core. I think that’s attributed to my ligaments and tendons tightening up again. I still feel pain in the uterine area and have been having some major headaches over the past few days. I’m not sure if that’s due to my hormones changing or stress, but probably both. It could also be because I noticed I’m clenching my jaw quite often. It seems the things that were bothering me before I got pregnant are starting to come back, like the TMJ syndrome and my leg is starting to bother me again. When I was pregnant, it seemed like my neck and shoulders relaxed more, due to an influx of relaxin in the system, but now I guess it’s wearing off.

I’m still gluten-free and added extra vitamins and fruit/veggie juice, though I’m not much in the mood to cook. Standing for a while isn’t easy yet and I still tire out pretty quickly. I’m also sad for what I lost. All our hopes and dreams and things we wanted to do with our little guy. We were planning and preparing so much for his arrival and now nothing. It’s hard to be happy today, feeling like there’s not much to look forward to at the moment. Though Scott did get an embroidery machine and I’m SO excited to start making things! That made me smile with my eyes. Other things are starting to look up, also. Max really gave me quite the gift.

I just wish he was here, to hold and cuddle. Well, I wish he was still in my belly, growing healthy and strong. I find myself staring into space, lost in my thoughts, not able to stop thinking about Max. I’m still in shock over what happened. How does my body just not hold my baby in anymore? It’s not that uncommon – it happens to 1 million babies every year with millions of other babies born prematurely. How does it happen to so many babies and there’s not more research or attention on cervical incompetence? Why does it happen? Is it genetic? Is it because of Celiac? Would having an autoimmune disease, which causes the body to attack itself, cause the cervical area to weaken as well? Is there a safe way of checking the cervix at appointments if you have risk factors that weaken the body and immune system? There actually is, I found a medical device called CerviLenz that measures the cervix. I gave a printout to my OB to research for her practice. I hope they incorporate it in their office, in fact, I hope many OB offices use this device to measure the cervix at routine checkups. I know there’s no way to guarantee it will be caught, but if it saves some lives, even one, it’s worth it.

I’m heartbroken over the loss of so many perfectly good lives and one of my worries is that it will happen again. I know there are things they can do but it happened so fast, will they catch it in time? What can I do to strengthen that area so I have a better chance of holding the baby in? These are all questions I’ll be looking to answer over the coming months. I’m going to work out and get my body in super ship-shape, building a strong core and legs. Hopefully that helps to strengthen my insides too. Plus, there’s always kegels. I was doing them with Max, gotta keep it up. Now to just get through this time of “taking it easy.” Easier said than done, but I gotta try.

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